Month: March 2016

I Do Not Need Your Help

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Dear Cats and Dogs
I don’t need your help. I have been doing this on my own since I was a child. I’ve got this.
The mewing, whining and scratching at the door does not help me. Nor can I get up to open the door anyway.
Just because I’ve gone into the room with the forbidden water bowl does not mean something bad is going to happen.
Your hooman will again escape, unscathed. And you shall be fed and given water and warm pats on the head. …
I sincerely hope this gives you the reassurance you need to give me a few minutes alone when I need them. I do, however, doubt it.
Love,
The Hooman

Cats Are Assholes

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Haven’t seen the damn cat all day. ALL DAY. She didn’t come out for breakfast this morning type of “all day” thing. Was I concerned? No. Cats are assholes. They do what they want.
Foster didn’t see her before he went to school.
I didn’t see her all day.
She wasn’t here when Foster got home.
With all the cats we’ve had hit on the road, his mind went to the worst place it could. “She’s dead. I know she’s dead” he said…over and over again with giant crocodile tears.…
*sigh* I do not like it when he genuinely cries. He can cry when he doesn’t get his way…not much remorse. But a sadness cry, I cannot take, not even if it’s about an asshole cat.
So, I have to go cat hunting. I walk all around the property, checking all ditches for cat carcass’. Calling and calling…a fucking cat. I tuck the husky away in the garage just in case he’s the reason she won’t show her whiskered little pain in the ass face.
I finally spotted the asshole cat. 16 feet up in a tree. Unhappy with little to no way to get down. I get the ladder, it’s not tall enough. I haul out the big ass 40 foot ladder. It weighs a metric ton. I attempt to put it upright against the tree.

Things to know:
Those ladders are fucking HEAVY.
Those ladders are a two person job. Maybe 3 if they’re all chicks.
Those ladders are awkward as shit.
Also, while attempting to put up a ladder like that…if it falls, move your giant head out of the way.

Mother. Fuckin. OUCH!

So, I have a new dent in my skull. I did successfully retreive the stupid cat. Foster is very happy. He told me I’m a good Mom and fetched me ice for my head.

It’s not enough.
I’ve wounded my large head and my little pride.

Cats are assholes…and so are the kids who cry about them and then only offer ice when you should be their all time, cranium dented, fucking champion of the universe.

The Blizzard Chronicles – Feb 2016

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  • It’s 4:20am.
    Its not snowing yet.
    Ya know… In case you don’t own a window.
    You’re Welcome.
  • 7:12am. Still not one snowflake. Thinking now about all the people who will have to drive to work, only to be let out early to hurry home in the middle of a blizzard.
    Dear Mother Nature,
    Shit or get off the pot.
  • 7:50am. The weatherman and my window tells me it’s snowing.
    I guess my pep talk with Mother Nature did the trick
  • '8:48am. Desperate for entertainment in the midst of the storm, we've gotten the cats high on catnip. Dem bitches be crazy.'
    8:48am. Desperate for entertainment in the midst of the storm, we’ve gotten the cats high on catnip. Dem bitches be crazy.
  • 10:21am. Fatigue has set in. Having heat, electricity, cable and Internet has been exhausting. Time to replenish our broken spirits with a nap.
  • 12:38pm. Just received a blizzard warning via text message. Only 5 hours late. I don’t know how the pioneers coped without this modern technology.
  • 2:25pm. The cake is gone.
    In other words… This is goodbye.
  • 6pm. Another nap complete. Foster snuggles are like kryptonite to any plans.
  • Janie Larson Baird's photo.
    Janie Larson Baird's photo.
    Janie Larson Baird's photo.

    6:15pm. I have photographed the driveway, the front entry and the side entry. When they see these historical documents, future generations will understand how we perished.

  • 6:17pm. They’ve closed all schools for tomorrow. They must have seen my historical documents.
  • '8:50pm. We have resolved ourselves to something called a "jigsaw puzzle". A perfectly lovely photograph someone felt needed chopped into bits. Foster is confused by this trickery. We have tried to Bluetooth it, Google it and hook it up to wifi. So far, no luck.'
  • 8:50pm. We have resolved ourselves to something called a “jigsaw puzzle”. A perfectly lovely photograph someone felt needed chopped into bits. Foster is confused by this trickery. We have tried to Bluetooth it, Google it and hook it up to wifi. So far, no luck. (The Febreze is to keep the asshole cats off of it)
  • 12:05am. I have braved the elements all day. By braved I mean I stayed inside, napped, ate and watched television. It was exhausting. Time for bed. I must build up my strength to be able to do it all again tomorrow.
  • 3:50 in the mornin’
    Not a plow in sight
    Wind is whippin’ like a dom girl
    In the city late at night
    Can’t see out my windows
    Cuz the snow’s packed ’em tight
    If I hadn’t have napped all day…
    I’d still be asleep tonight.
    And the snow blows….
    Yeah, it f*ck#n blows….
  • '9:45am. I have been excavating the white desert outside my shelter and have found some sort of primitive rock formation.'
    9:45am. I have been excavating the white desert outside my shelter and have found some sort of primitive rock formation.
  • '10:54am. Have received delicate information regarding my plans to escape. Plans = foiled.'
    10:54am. Have received delicate information regarding my plans to escape. Plans = foiled.