Today is another funeral for a friend…

I’m fairly good about death. I’m very strong in my faith and I know that their suffering has ended and they’re in a better place.  I’m very good to have around when someone passes because I have that perspective that brings comfort to family and friends.  I am NOT, however, good about burials.
There’s something about putting someone’s body in the ground I am not comfortable with at all.  I remember when my Grandfather died.  I was 9 years old. I was fine during the visitation.  I was fine during the funeral.  I demanded to be dropped off elsewhere while the rest of my family went to the burial.  I did NOT want to put my Grandpa in the ground.
When my Aunt died, I was 16.  I helped plan the funeral.  My Mother was devastated and I had no problem pitching in.  We picked out a casket, her clothes, her hairstyle.  We chose the service, the songs and the prayers.  But when it came time to put her in the ground, I made every excuse in the book to stay behind at the church.  I did NOT want to watch her be put into the ground.

Today, I will go to the funeral and, even with the best of intentions, I will most likely skip out on the burial. I do NOT want to watch my friend be put into the ground.

There’s something very final about the act of burying someone that I am extremely uncomfortable with.  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…I get that, but it’s never final for me.  I keep them with me forever.  It’s just a body, it’s not my friend.  My friend will live on through me forever.

When I die, don’t stand around and watch while they put me in the ground.  It’s too final.  It’s too much. Keep me alive every day through your memories and your laughter. Keep me alive every day by sharing your memories of me with my children.  Keep me alive every day in your prayers.  Always, always, keep me alive.

I am getting off track on what this post is really supposed to be about.  My friend…my young, sweet, wonderful friend who had two beautiful children, a nursing degree, a job he loved, a supportive and wonderful family and friends who adored him is gone.  He’s gone because it was not enough.

I NEED to get this out there.  I NEED to get this out of my mind and into written words.

If you decide one day that no one cares…know that I DO
If you decide one day that everyone would be better off without you…know that I WON’T
If you decide one day that no one understands…know that I DO
If you decide one day that there’s no one on your side…know that I AM
If you decide one day that you’re too damaged for someone to love you…know that I DO
If you decide one day that no one will miss you…know that I WILL
If you decide one day that no one will hurt if you’re gone…know that I WILL.
I WILL ACHE. I WILL CRY. I WILL MOURN.
YOUR DEATH WILL AFFECT ME NEGATIVELY EVERY DAY.
I WILL BLAME MYSELF FOR NOT KNOWING YOUR PAIN.
I WILL FOREVER BE CHANGED BY THE LOSS OF YOUR LIFE.

Please, please, I beg you…

Don’t do that to me.
Don’t do that to you.

I love you.
Never forget that.