I would love to look forward to fall like I used to. Fires and hoodies and decorating… But all that is over now.

My children are too grown to care about carving pumpkins or roasting seeds. I moved to the country 2 years ago so I don’t have trick or treaters to entertain anymore. I don’t live a block away from anyone who would spot a fire and join me for some laughs, songs and stories.

I’m not even excited for football season. I’ll watch the games, I’m sure, but my best trash talking friends and/or Pittsburgh comrades are either gone or miles away.

It seems like I will spend the fall mostly alone and worried about winter.

I have something called Severe Spinal Stenosis that requires surgery…and as it causes me chronic and debilitating pain, I have no other choice but to follow it through. Who will move snow while I recover from surgery? Will my son be upset I am so limited in what I can and can’t do with him? And then there’s my biggest worry of all. Recovering from Surgery = No work = No money and that = a very poor outlook for Christmas for my children. Sure, my oldest is grown and out of the house, but still, I worry he will be disappointed as well.

Since my two siblings have been married and had their own families, Christmas has always been something we have done in our own, separate family units. We don’t all get together anymore. One of us invites our Mom over and that’s that. There’s no other family to speak of. So, where does that leave my son and I? Waiting desperately for an invitation we are not likely to receive. And if we do? Will I be (most likely) too proud to take it?

Since this divorce started, it seems all I do is worry about my son and money. I suppose, though, that’s normal.

My new normal.

How will I pay the heat bill this winter? How will I put gas in the car? Will I have to get rid of my pets? Will my son notice I’m sad? What time can I break down and cry so he won’t be here to hear me? When can I talk on the phone so he’s not around to eavesdrop? These things are so ever prevalent that I can’t even fathom having to factor in Christmas.

I sit back and think to myself how other people have SO MANY MORE problems than I do. I tell myself it’s not that bad, be grateful for what you have. I tell myself people are starving, dying, their houses gone due to natural disasters. Some people are terminally ill or have lost their loved ones. But I have come to the conclusion (and frankly, I’m more than ashamed to admit this) that no matter how unselfish I try to make my thoughts, they go right back to where and what they were before because no one else’s problems directly affect my children.

This blog is where I’m turning when I am too full. I find myself sick to my stomach (literally) with worry. I break into tears at the drop of a hat. When I can feel myself in overload, I’m coming here to get rid of it…pouring it all out in these pages. It matters not if anyone reads it as long as I’m not hauling it around with me anymore.

So, please, forgive my selfishness and worries you may deem unnecessary. Please forgive my lack of “button” and unfiltered blabbering. I just need to lose the weight of these thoughts for awhile.